sophistiKated

How to lose a landscaping job in ten days

Day One:
Show up at the potential client’s home and ring doorbell - repeatedly. When very tired looking pregnant woman answers the door, do not bother to introduce yourself. Jump right into your spiel about how you mow all the lawns in the neighborhood and be sure to let her know that her lawn will be no different. When she tells you that she’ll have her husband contact you, give her a nasty glare.

Day Two:
Show up at potential client’s home and ring doorbell… repeatedly. When very tired looking pregnant woman balancing a toddler on her hip answers the door, tell her that her husband never called you. Tell her again that you mow all the yards in the neighborhood and she better not have anybody else mowing her yard. Roll your eyes when she tells you again that she’ll have her husband contact you.

Day Three:
Show up at potential client’s home and ring doorbell… repeatedly. When very irritated looking husband answers the door, take your hat off and apologize if you interrupted dinner (you did). Introduce yourself and explain that you live down the street and mow some of the yards in this neighborhood and were wondering if perhaps he is looking for someone to mow his. Work out an agreement where you mow and trim the yard every other week for $40.

Day Four:
Mow and trim entire yard while client is not home.

Day Five:
Show up at client’s home and ring doorbell… repeatedly. When very tired looking pregnant woman answers the door, demand payment for mowing the yard the previous day. When she explains that her husband has the money and he will be dropping it off at your house that evening after work, insist that you’ve already spoken to the husband (you haven’t) and he says she needs to pay him now. Make sure and use plenty of flying spittle.

Day Six:
Wander aimlessly up and down the street on your riding mower. Make as much noise as possible, especially during nap time.

Day Seven:
Show up at client’s home at 7:45 am and ring doorbell… repeatedly. Return an hour later since client didn’t learn their lesson and answer the door the first time. When very tired looking pregnant woman answers the door, tell her she needs her yard mowed. When she tells you no because it was just mowed three days ago, insist that her next door neighbor just called you up to complain about the condition of the yard (he didn’t). When she challenges this, glare at her and leave. Return an hour later and just start mowing anyway. Do not mow the back yard.

Day Eight:
Wander aimlessly up and down the street on your riding mower. Make as much noise as possible, especially during nap time.

Day Nine:
Show up at client’s home unannounced and begin to mow the front yard. When client comes out and tells you that you just mowed the front yard, look around dumbfounded. When she asks why you didn’t mow the back yard, tell her that the agreement was for $40 every week for the front yard only. Watch as large vein in client’s forehead begins to throb. After much insisting from the client, agree to mow and trim the back and front yard every other week for $40. Leave. Come back an hour later and then mow the back yard… during nap time.

Day Ten:
Mow the yard across the street from client at 1:45 am. Leave after client’s neighbor threatens to call the police. Be sure to drive the riding lawn mower very slowly down the street in order to wake everyone up.

Please Stand By

Working the kinks out of the new theme. Maybe one day will also be working on new post. Maybe.

New Look

I know Michelle hates this theme, but the last one (which I LOVED!) got hacked. So to the people who were getting slammed with ads for free drugs and Michael Jordan’s gambling addiction (wtf?!) — sorry!

Besides, I’m moving to The Land of Endless Summer next week and I could use something that reminds me autumn is still actually happening out there in some parts of the world.

I’m hanging this…

On the door to my office:

more animals

RIP

LeRoi Moore

Technically it WOULD work…

So I ran a search for nursing nightgowns on Amazon and came across this gem: Cupless Dress

Shucks, I’d have bought it if only it came in pink.

Toot toot, beep beep

With Mr. L gone and training with the Air Force, I find myself with a significant amount of free time these days. So what better time than now to start a Sex and the City marathon? Indeed. I’m well into season three now and have discovered several flaws with my plan:

They’re constantly eating. Every episode has at least three restaurant/dining scenes and do you know what that does to a pregnant woman?! I’m constantly going, “Oh, cake! Spaghetti! I love spaghetti! Hmm, I need to add biscotti to my grocery list…” It’s insane. Fortunately I’ve somehow managed to lose eight pounds since I found out I was knocked up but I have a feeling my recent television habit might change that.

They’re constantly having sex. Clearly this comes as no surprise but in the past I’ve always thought it was a lot more plot than sex. Turns out, when you haven’t gotten any in six plus weeks and you have no hope of getting any for six more plus weeks, it’s a lot more sex than plot. The torment!

Carrie and Mr. Big. He’s so hot. So, so hot. Did I mention I’m not getting any? Have I mentioned that L reminds me of Mr. Big? Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, athletic build, undeniably sexy… wait, where was I? Huh, I just realized: Mr. L, Mr. Big. Hell, even my subconscious thinks they share similarities.

Now, pardon me as I help myself to a midnight snack of baked ziti. Among other things.

Too good not to comment upon

Excerpt from CNN news story regarding the birth of Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter:

The father is Casey Aldridge, a pipe-layer from Liberty, Mississippi.

Oh, he lays the pipe alright. *snicker*

Success!

pregnant

Wanna see the changes that pregnancy brings on? You can keep up here - link to be added to the side bar soon.

Gettin’ all political

As Broad is no longer discussing politics on her site, I guess it’s up to me to bring to your attention this current act of flagrancy upon our rights, as brought to you by the Republican Rep. from Ohio:

When is our government going to realize that they cannot control or dictate the people’s right to show affection and love? This is not WRONG, people, it is an act of LOVE. Just because it does not fit in with your uptight version of the birds and the bees does not make it a CRIME.